dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
