Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize