Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
its not stalking. its research.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
