I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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