Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize