you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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