At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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