apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
