I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
