who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
