Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
