I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
