Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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