I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
