Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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