Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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