The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
