she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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