she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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