Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
