Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
