there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
