she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
