your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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