you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize