the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
