nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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