Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
