We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
