wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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