she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
