i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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