i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
