i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize