Someone shit on the floor
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
