mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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