My boss' voice literally gives me gas
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize