I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
