his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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