I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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