i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
