Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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