Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
