Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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