Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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