I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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