i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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