If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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