another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you will always have a special place in my vag
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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