Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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