it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
