Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
