a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
