I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
