I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
