I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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