theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
