How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
