Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
