She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i out mim tonsoeep
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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