We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize