Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
