my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
