twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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