Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize