So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
