Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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