Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
