sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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